First time…

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For the first time in almost 17 years,
i got proposed by a guy, my best friend.
I dont know what i am feeling at this moment.
i am happy, confused, very worried and very scared.

If i accept him, he would be my first,
and i would be his first.
I dont know what to do…

He liked me since 7th grade,
but was not dared enough to tell me,
i noticed that in 8th grade,
so i started talking to him,
he is a very guy, i dont want to hurt him,
When i was in 8th grade,
He asked me if i would be his girlfriend on the day of my soccer tournament,
It was the first i had ever asked, i was happy, more than happy,
he promised that he would come watch me on my soccer match,
i told him that i would give him an answer on that day…

He didnt show up, and worse he told me he was joking me seriously,
Why? Because i was the closest girl for him in class,
i forgive him… i let it go. it hurt me so much.
But he never apologize…

8th grade passed by…
He ignored me for the whole 9th grade,
he think i dont realize that but i do…

i dont want to lose a good friend cuz of a stupid thing,
so i just talked almost everyday with him n his best friend.
Things get better this year., in 10th grade.
He talked to me again.
He started to message me like normal., since the end of August…

Today he called me, the first time in 2 years…
i was happy.
He called me 8 times today…
finally he proposed me again..
i dont want to fall in the same trap twice.
but i just want to believe in him once again….

And so once again i have broke my own promise of not falling for anyone….

I hope i dont need to regret this time…

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Him…

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Today at lunch, i went to the gym. I waited for him to come play basketball as usual with his friends. For every moves he made, every passes he gave, and every shots he took, i just stared from so far away. He might not notice me sitting there, i dont know… or he might just be pretending not to see. But i could feel that he felt my presence.

Today was one of the best game, i have ever seen him played, not that he won or lose, but the sight of him letting his little brother come play with him, and putting him on his team, it just made me more sad. How am i to tolerate seeing his brother everyday at school, and trying not to miss him?

I dont want him to leave. That is the truth i want to tell, that i want him to know. He might not have felt how i feel, but i know deep down how hurt i am going to be when he leave in less than 3 months.
i really dont want him to go…

i know i wont ever have a chance to be with him,
but somehow i just keep hoping that i can be somewhere around him.
To see his face, and his smile everyday….

i just need someone to talk to right now ~ feeling desperate.